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Is Violence a New Way to Score in Daily Fantasy Basketball?

We need a fresh way to score daily fantasy basketball points. It seems like every time we turn around there’s a ballsack being punched through a wall, or some buffoon being ejected for elbowing someone in the face with reckless brutality. Maybe we’ve found it!

I’m thinking the daily fantasy sports sites should include points for vicious elbows and groin kicks or punches, but I’m not sure if they should be awarded because a player punched someone in the nuts or because a player got punched in the nuts, possibly both.

You guys are supposed to be professionals. You are paid, professional basketball stars playing in front of paying fans. This isn’t wrestling, and it sure as hell isn’t the jovially violent National Hockey League. There’s a reason NBA games are riddled with game-slowing fouls and free throws: you guys are cream puffs. We get that. Why act like spoiled children as well?

Dwyane Wade of the Miami Heat kicked Ramon Sessions of the Charlotte Bobcats in the nuts. Sure, he tried to make it look like it was the natural flow of his body in the game and swore it was a mistake, but anyone watching that highlight reel can plainly see it wasn’t Wade taking a leisurely stroll in the park. He absolutely, positively, with scientific precision, intentionally kicked Ramon Sessions in the nuts. That’s two daily fantasy basketball points- thanks Dwyane!

The Los Angeles Lakers have Dwight Howard throwing elbows at opposing teams like goodbye kisses to family before a long trip.

Daily Fantasy BasketballThey also have Metta World Peace (how’s that name for irony?), one of the scummiest, most violent basketball players we’ve ever seen- from his days as an Indiana Pacer inciting a brawl against the Detroit Pistons (known infamously as the Malice at the Palace) to his flagrant and intentional elbow directly to the head of James Harden during a game vs. the Oklahoma City Thunder last year.

It’s funny, World Peace, when you stroll out to talk with cops in your Cookie Monster pajamas. It’s not funny when you potentially give someone brain damage because you’re too much of a goon to handle yourself in a professional manner. Shame on you Ron Artest. Your name should be Never World Peace. At least we don’t have to pick you for our daily fantasy basketball lineups, as your daily fantasy value has been bupkis for a while now.

While it’s true that Blake Griffin has orange hair, and probably has orange hair below the belt as well, It’s highly unlikely that Serge Ibaka had mistaken Blake’s orange balls for the orange basketball when he punched him in the nuts the other day. That was busch league, Serge, and you should have been suspended instead of simply fined. Try to remember that you’re on a basketball court and not in a sandbox at the playground. Still, that’d be two daily fantasy basketball points! Thanks Serge!

DeMarcus Cousins, who may be worse than Metta World Peace attitude-wise, was ejected for elbowing Mike Dunleavy in the back of the head in the Sacramento Kings vs. Milwaukee Bucks game on March 10th. Really? Mike Dunleavy? If you had to pick the top five most harmless or least violent basketball players in the NBA, he’d have to be somewhere at the top of the list. No, I didn’t do any research on Dunleavy so if he’s somehow a closet jerk and I missed that, please leave a comment below and let me know! Hell, leave a comment below anyway and tell me about your favorite sleazy sports moments.

I understand that competitive games can get a player’s adrenaline flowing and things can heat up emotionally. That said, there’s a difference between playing aggressive basketball and acting like a slimeball. Still, if daily fantasy basketball sites gave out points for elbows and ballsack attacks, we’d have something new to predict! Instead of just top daily fantasy basketball picks, we’d have articles mention who was most likely to throw an elbow or punch a ballsack as well.

About the Author
Christopher Leather comes from a poker background and brings his analytical skills to the table for daily fantasy strategy. Obsessed with thinking critically about variables and extracted information, follow his descent into madness as his brain pot overflows and spills out into his articles.

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  1. TheLooch Reply

    I would say it would have to be when the 7 foot 280 lb behemoth known as Andrew Bynum threw his elbow into the ribs of an airborne pint-sized JJ Barea while the Lakers were down 32 points with about 8 minutes left in the game. I know it was the playoffs, and Andrew was mad because his team, and especially him were simply playing badly, but at least go after someone relatively your own size, not literally half your size, if that.

  2. Pete Reply

    Why wasn’t the Miami heat Suspended for racking the Pacer player in the Balls intentionally in Game one of the Eastern Conference Finals? Not even fined but should have been fined and Suspended. The Heat are a very Dirty Team!!!!

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